There is no way better to follow up an epic roast than with a month’s worth of sugar and saturated fat. Stop worrying about your muffin top and enjoy. Dessert teetotallers are such a downer. Most desserts can be made well before serving – if you have something warm you can always (re)heat it up when you need it.
Crumble is dead simple, and is he sort of thing that still tastes awesome even if you totally fuck it up. You can use lots of things in the bottom of a crumble – canned peaches or pears, fresh or frozen berries, raw or canned apples, preserved plums, or a mixture of fruits. If you are using quite chunky canned fruit, you will get a better dessert if you chop the fruit roughly – this can usually be done while the fruit is still in the can. If there is a lot of juice in the can, it will also pay to drain the fruit first and to then reincorporate it slowly until it’s as wet as you like it, thus avoiding plum soup. I learned long ago that I would rather pay $4.49 for a giant can of apples than spend half an hour peeling and cutting them, but if you like to put in the hard yards then go for it. Go for finely sliced Granny Smiths but be warned, you may need to soften the fruit in the microwave before putting it in the casserole dish as otherwise the fruit may not cook through.
Apple crumble
This recipe makes enough to fill the sort of square 8x8 inch casserole / roasting dish you can get cheaply from the Warehouse. If you have a larger roasting dish, upscale the crumble mix as necessary (2 ½ times seems to work for those standard non stick roasters you can get from the supermarket). The crumble can be quite crunchy and the leftovers are good for breakfast (if you go for that sort of thing).
- One large can (820g-ish) of sliced apples – Watties is a bit more expensive but the nicest
- ½ cup flour + a small handful
- 1 ¼ cups rolled oats
- 2/3 cup sugar (brown is best, raw is second best) + a small handful
- 120g butter, melted
- Optional extras for supreme tastiness: a lemon, spices like cinnamon, ginger and mixed spice
Preheat the oven to 200°C. Place the apples, the handful of sugar and the handful of flour in the bottom of the dish. For bonus points, squeeze a lemon over the apples and add some spices if you’re feeling it – for instance, 1 ½ teaspoons of ginger.
In a bowl, combine the flour, rolled oats and sugar. Some spices are good here too – try a liberal sprinkle of cinnamon and a pinch of mixed spice. Pour the melted butter over and mix everything lightly with a fork until combined. It should look a little crumbly. Press the crumble mix down on top of the fruit. Cook for 30 minutes.
Boozy butter
This is typically made with brandy but who under the age of 55 actually has brandy in the house? Brandy is only good when mixed with dry ginger ale, drizzled over a stored Christmas cake, or hidden on the back of the shelf getting dusty.
- 175g butter, softened slightly
- 1 ½ c soft brown sugar
- 5 – 6 tablespoons of liquor – brandy, dark rum, cognac, whiskey, kahlua, etc
Whisk together the butter and the sugar. This is significantly easier if you have electric beaters, a stick blender or a food processor, but otherwise just use a regular whisk, incorporate the sugar slowly, and get yourself some Popeye arms. One it has gone pale and creamy looking then add the liquor slowly, beating after additions. Don’t add it too fast or it might curdle. When everything is combined and tastes the way you want it, store it in the fridge in a clean container. Serve cold with warm winter puddings or, if you’re an alkie with a sweet tooth, on toast for breakfast.
Gingernut log
This recipe is boozy and sweet, funny to look at and very, very dated. It was a last minute inclusion in our Midwinter Christmas because I like the sort of retro food we’d get served at family dinners when I was tiny. Also, it takes about zero cooking ability. If you’re using a liqueur that doesn’t go with orange juice, replace the juice with something else – for instance, if you’re using a chocolate or coffee liqueur, use some strong black coffee.
- One packet (250g) gingernuts (or chocolate chippies)
- Liquor – bourbon, liqueur, whiskey, or similar
- 4T orange juice
- 300ml cream
- 1t vanilla
- 3T icing sugar (optional)
- Some sort of garnish – shaved chocolate, sliced almonds, whatever you like
Make sure you have a serving dish prepared. You’ll need something long enough to take all the gingernuts lying (upright) next to each other so perhaps measure it by the length of the packet. Serve on two plates if you need to. In a small bowl, combine the orange juice and 4 tablespoons of booze.
Pour the cream, the vanilla, the icing sugar and 2 tablespoons of booze into a large, clean bowl and whip until it forms fluffy peaks when you lift the beaters out. Electric beaters are helpful here – the cream needs to be firm enough that it won’t run all over the place. Warning: doing this by hand may take a long time and give you wanker’s cramp.
Time for messy stuff. Dunk two biscuits in the juice and booze mix, then sandwich them together with cream. Stand the sandwich vertically on the plate – you may need to put some cream on the plate to help anchor them. Keep going until you’ve used up all your biscuits or run out of room – you should have a long log of biscuits all stuck together. Neatly spread cream over the log and garnish. Refrigerate for at least 6 hours, preferably with a loose cover so that the cream doesn’t end up tasting like refrigerator – the biscuits will start to disintegrate and go all fudgey. Eat, enjoy and pretend it’s 1982.
Next week: BOOZE.
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