One of the best meals I’ve ever had was an epic Midwinter Christmas dinner for 25 people at my last flat. A friend and I cooked up a few chickens, a roast beef and more roast potatoes than we knew what to do with. Everyone else was instructed to bring a vegetable dish (or vegetarian main), a dessert, or snacky snacks, and something helpful like cream or plastic plates. Each person also brought a little present which found a home under a zombie-themed Christmas tree, and later Dodgy Uncle Santa (reeking of bourbon and cigarettes) took each person on his sticky knee and gave them a mystery gift while everyone else watched offensive Christmas films and listened to Stan Kenton singing “What is a Santa Claus?” (it’s hilarious - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JTpzCftiXE). It sleeted outside while people got seriously merry on a (literal) bucketful of alcoholic eggnog and a tureen of mulled wine, all with minimal damage to glassware or carpet. Best flat dinner ever, and an excellent antidote to living in a cold ugly house.
Roasting meat is a piece of piss – however, it does take a bit of space, a bit of maths, and a bit of gear (a roasting dish, some tongs, and a big sharp knife at the very least; extras for experts = a baster and a carving fork). If you’re feeding a lot of people, something like a beef roast is probably your most economic bet. Roast lamb is lovely and all but hideously expensive, and a pork roast is great if you can master the crackling, but I can’t, so I kinda gave up as it didn’t quite seem worth it any more (suggestions and protips to alongbean@gmail.com). Roast chicken goes far for a potluck, but if it’s just you and a couple of others, and you want to be satiated, ignore the packet and assume that a chicken which allegedly feeds 6 – 7 people actually only feeds 4. On the other hand, depending on the size of your oven, you might be able to get two or three chickens roasting simultaneously.
Roast beef
You can roast beef in a slowcooker, but I can never get it to work properly (I choose to blame the cooker) so I’ve gone back to cooking the beef in the oven, and this is easily the best and simplest recipe I’ve found. You’ll also need to have a large frying pan (an electric frying pan is perfect) on hand.
- One bit of cow (homekill is amazing, if you can source it, otherwise butcher > supermarket)
- White flour
- Salt and pepper
- Oil
- Onions
In a small bowl mix together approximately 2 tablespoons of flour with a few good shakes each of salt and pepper. Take your roasting dish and swoosh a little oil around it, just enough to cover. Preheat the oven to 230°C (210°C fan forced).
Take your meat. Thank the cow. Check the weight. Rub oil all over it. Pat the beef with the seasoned flour until it is well coated. You may need to use more or less flour depending on the size of your cut. Heat up your frying pan to a high temperature. Using skill and finesse, and possibly a large pair of tongs, sear the beef all over. You’re not trying to cook it, just to make the outside lovely and brown and flavoursome with a good texture. (Geek corner: some people tell you that searing is to seal in the juices. This is utter nonsense. What is really happening a wonderful thing called the Maillard reaction, that lovely browning that makes things taste rich and toasty and complex. Science is fun.) Place the seared beef into the roasting pan. Loosely surround it with onions – peel them and chop them in half, but don’t pack them in tight.
Time for maths and time management. The beef needs to cook for 15 minutes at 230°C, then reduce the heat to 190°C (170°C fan forced) and cook for 17 minutes per pound (~450g) for rare. If you want it medium, add 15 minutes on to the total cooking time; for well done, add 30 minutes. Sounds complicated, but luckily you probably have a calculator on your phone. Baste the meat with its juices a few times during cooking – jokes about artificial insemination aside, this is easy if you have a baster, otherwise sacrifice a spoon by bending it into a little ladle shape as pouring the juices out of a hot pan courts disaster. If you’re a bit fancy pants you can splash a little red wine into the roasting dish during cooking, but in general it all works fine without you fucking with it too much.
Once you’ve done cooking, pull the beef out and let it stand – this is compulsory, and will make it taste better and carve easier – at least twenty minutes for a 450g cut, but up to 40 for anything larger. This means a 1.5kg cut of beef is going to take nearly 90 minutes to cook, and another 40 to sit. The meat will cool but not go cold, and if you’re serving on heated plates like a real grown up then it won’t matter anyway. Most people, when presented with the perfect roast, aren’t going to start moaning.
Next week: something for the vegetarians.
A word on cooking times: Rare means soft and red inside, medium means pink and firm, perhaps a little brown round the edges, and well done means grey-brown throughout and (if it’s a steak) will probably get your food spat on by a chef. Squeamish types: the red juices aren’t blood, they are myoglobin and water, so stop your moaning.
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