Midwinter Christmas part IV – We’ve had the ‘eat’, so let’s drink and be merry

One of the downers about having Christmas in summer is that we don’t get to enjoy the wonderfully warming alcoholic treats that our northern cousins treasure with love and quaff with enthusiasm. An ad hoc midwinter Christmas is a great excuse to take the best from the vast northern hinterlands while still having dibs on a warm, summery Christmas brunch come December. Like eggnog. Tried eggnog? You’re about to.

I was introduced to this proper alcoholic eggnog at a work Christmas party. Having sampled the fairly innocuous stuff-in-cartons when visiting family in the USA I was horrified to realise that I had been totally unaware of the true creamy deliciousness of the real deal – and this is coming from someone with a dairy aversion. This is expensive and sweet and very alcoholic, thus perfect for a large gathering of likeminded souses. It is also amazingly thick and smooth, like a custardy milkshake. Follow the instructions carefully and make sure you have enough equipment. Don’t be in a rush and definitely don’t buy cheap shitty alcohol. If you are a bit cagey about eating raw eggs (har, har) then that’s your loss – although if you are pregnant you should probably avoid. Actually, if you are pregnant you shouldn’t be having anything with this much bourbon at all. Someone call CYFS!

All good uni students know to reference their sources: this recipe is based on one from a 1997 Salon article, which in turn is based on a recipe in the 1967 edition of The Joy of Cooking. The original was accompanied by this wonderful epithet from Mark Twain: “too much of anything is bad, but too much whiskey is just enough.”

NB When I made this last, I’m pretty sure I increased the quantities by half again. I forget. It filled an entire 9.6 litre bucket, though – in any case, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

A bucketful of Nog – serves about 20

• 12 eggs
• 500 grams icing sugar
• 4 – 6 cups (1 – 1.5 litres) of bourbon, whiskey or rum – I used Jim Beam and it was pretty good
• 2 litres cream
• A pinch of salt
• Freshly grated nutmeg, or dried ground nutmeg

You will also need: a perfectly clean bucket (best to buy a new one), a very large clean glass bowl, another big bowl, a sieve, some electric beaters, a whisk or a spatula or something that will do the same job, and possibly a bag of ice.

Separate the eggs carefully – if this is beyond you, find an adult to help you. Place the egg whites in the clean, glass bowl and pass the yolks through a sieve into the other large bowl. Beat the yolks until they are very light in colour. While you keep beating, slowly add the sugar, and when it is all combined, slowly add 2 cups of the alcohol. Cover it and let it sit for an hour – this will get rid of the eggy taste. Pour the eggy mix into the bucket. Add the rest of the liquor and all of the cream, and beat well. Refrigerate (or keep very cold elsewhere) for another three hours.

Ready to imbibe? Beat the whites on high until they are very stiff (but not dry) – test this by stopping your beaters, lifting them out and inspecting the little peaks that have formed. Make sure your beaters and bowl are squeaky clean as otherwise the whites won’t whip properly. When they are ready, gently fold them through the yolk mixture – this way they will just combine and the whites will stay lovely and light, giving the nog a wonderfully light texture. Serve with a sprinkle of nutmeg on top. Wonder why you’ve been missing out all your life and / or die from cholesterol and fat overload.

Unless you have a dedicated beer fridge, you are going to need to find some way to keep the eggnog cold – may I recommend that you fill a sink or a giant chilly bin with ice and keep the bucket in there. You’ll find that over the course of the day, as it sits and warms, the eggnog will start to separate. If it’s worth saving then fold the mix back together with a spoon or spatula, or if it’s getting really runny then give it a whisk or another blast with the beaters to reincorporate everything. The texture won’t be as good as when you first made it but it will still taste bloody nice.

A word about host responsibility: Don’t let people push their limits too far, if for no other reason than it’s bvery hard to get red wine or raw egg and cream out of the carpet.

Addendum: a few weeks ago I said that Worcestershire sauce isn’t vegetarian. I have been reliably informed that there are in fact Worcestershires that don’t contain little bits of fishies, but unfortunately Lee and Perrin’s (which is easily the best) isn’t one of them.