The way of the toastie, or, a meal greater than the sum of its parts

In the senior common room at my high school the toastie maker held pride of place. It was a fetching 70s burnt orange, thick with desiccated cheese meltings, and had lost its non-stick surface, flake by tasty flake, years ago. Arguments ensued as to whether it was acceptable to use canned spaghetti as a filling as the gross tomato sauce got stuck to everything, including the handle, and could only be removed with steel wool. In winter, if you didn’t get in early to use the toastie maker, you were stuck without lunch until your next free period or had to suffice yourself with whatever tepid pie-related product was left at the tuck shop. In summer, it would start to smell and we’d all get kicked out until we promised to keep the common room clean, Miss. This was all Very Serious Business.

 I did a quick ask around recently to find out people’s favourite toastie concoctions, be they made in a machine, or with a toastie press, or in a frying pan as below. Perhaps you might like to try:

• The Sunday Roast – roast meat, smooshed up roast vegetables, a dollop of gravy, quince jelly or mint jelly and lots of pepper on wheat bread
• The King – bacon, peanut butter, banana and maple syrup
• The Dad – cheese, chopped and drained pineapple, chutney (chow chow, piccalilli) and a side of bad jokes
• The Primary School Holidays Special – baked beans and grated cheese on white bread with a big glass of Fanta on the side
• The Hilary – gouda and thinly sliced pear, dipped in something nice like aioli with a sprig of parsley, because parsley makes everything fancy
• The Willy Wonka (with apologies to Katherine C’A, whose adventures in extreme toastie making cannot be surpassed) – confectionary of your choice, for instance, Creme Eggs, eskimos, candy or K bars

.... or you could just have a two course toastie meal?

The Americano

This is the original – bread, cheese and butter. If you like appliances, use a sandwich press or Panini maker 

rather than a frying pan.

• White bread
• Actual, proper butter
• Cheese(s) of your liking – a sharp cheddar is good

Butter the bread. If you like extra flavour, put a scraping of mustard or mayonnaise on the non-buttered side of the bread. Slice the cheese thinly. Warm up a frying pan, adding a bit of butter if it’s non-stick (or if you just really like butter). Place a slice of bread butter side down in the pan, arrange the cheese pleasingly on top, and put the last bit of bread on top, butter side up. Cook on a low temperature so that the cheese melts but the butter doesn’t burn. Chop it into triangles, serve with a big slice of pickled gherkin, a little toothpick flag stuck in the bread and one of those paper napkins with red and white checks.

The Dessert Toastie

This is best made in a proper toastie maker so that all the lovely squidgy bits stay inside.

• Bread – white or cinnamon
• Cream cheese
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar
• A liberal sprinkle of cinnamon
• A sad banana
• Chocolate chips
•  Red jam – plum, raspberry or similar – or a few frozen berries

Butter the bread. Mix the cream cheese (amount of your choosing, depending on how much you care about your weight) with the sugar and cinnamon. Mash the banana with a fork, and stir through the chocolate chips. On the unbuttered side of one slice of bread spread the cream cheese, the fill with the banana goop, and put a little dollop of jam or a few frozen berries on top. Cook to the desired level of crunchiness.

A word about hot things: hot toasties burn. Molten cheese draped across your lower lip is a less than ideal situation. Even worse are the burns you get when you heat up sugary items beyond their usual level of tolerance – eg, jam. Go slow, don’t be greedy and definitely don’t overfill, and you will emerge whole and unscathed.