Basic Bolognese, or, dear students of the world, please stop killing a classic

I was in large part inspired to write this column having flatted with someone who honest to god couldn’t cook (you know who you are). He mostly lived off of bananas, packet porridge, takeaways and Nescafe, and the only things that I ever saw him cook from scratch in nearly two years of living together were boiled potatoes (with broccoli!) and something he termed his ‘signature dish’, an unappealing mushy mess called ‘special mince and pasta –with broccoli!’ Suffice it to say I was perturbed that someone could be ten years out of home and still not be able to cook something that looked remotely edible. Finally, when my flatmate admitted that he was a lost cause, I felt compelled to try to save others from this culinary fate.

For those of you who also have this sort of institutional slop high on your flat menu, THERE IS A WAY OUT. Spend a bit of time mastering a basic meat sauce: it is easily up- or downscaled, freezes incredibly well, is an excellent lasagne sauce, and if done right is cheaper than the boring preservative-filled stuff from the supermarket. Here are some tricks of the trade:

• Patience, grasshopper - the bolognese disasters I encountered (or enacted) as an undergrad largely related to cooking time – cooking this sort of thing quickly results in a watery, slightly astringent sauce, but being patient when simmering it gives a rich concentrated flavour that shits all over anything you’ll find in a jar. I used to make a stock pot full on a Sunday, when I knew I’d be home, let it feed me for a few days and then freeze the rest.
• Tomatoes – the cheapest brand is usually fine, but all not brands are created equal so check the percent of tomatoes vs water / filler. I prefer diced to whole.
• Mince – if you’re buying beef mince, which is easily the cheapest, try buying a little higher than the bottom rung. Cheap mince contains a lot of fat so it shrinks substantially and stays quite greasy, which can alter the taste and texture in an unpleasant way. Ultimately, you’ll get more bang for your buck if you buy something a little more expensive.
• Pasta - cook it in as much lightly salted water as you can, in the largest pot you can. If you’re making it beforehand, drain it in a colander (that bowl thing with the holes in), rinse it with cold water to cool it down and stop it from sticking, and then tip a jug of boiling water back over it when you are ready to serve. 

Bolognese / meat sauce

Staples

• Oil
• 2-3 cloves of garlic
• As many brown onions as you like (minimum: one)
• 500gm mince from the animal of your choosing (or more or less depending on greediness levels)
• 2 – 3 cans of diced tomatoes 

Optional extras

• Half a glass of cheap red wine or dark beer – real beer!
• An oxo cube, crumbled
• Dried herbs (oregano, rosemary, a couple of whole dried bay leaves)
• A big squirt or spoonful of tomato paste
• A few dashes of Worcestershire sauce or a big spoon of marmite

Peel and dice the garlic. Cut up the onion – top and tail it, then remove the outer skin, and chop it up however small you like. Heat a splash of oil in a large pot, and cook the onions and garlic over a low heat. Don’t go fast – the aim is to get them looking nice, soft and transparent, not crispified.

Turn up the heat a little then add the mince, breaking it up as quickly as you can with a wooden spoon. Cook it until it’s nicely browned and looks crumbly. If you’ve bought cheap mince, then now is the time to drain off the fat that’s escaped so as to avoid slimy gloop for dinner– carefully pour it into a cup or bowl without losing half your dinner into the sink (a good life skill) and dispose of it later.

Add the tomatoes and as many of the flavoursome extras as you feel like. Gently simmer (don’t boil!) the sauce for at least 30 – 45 minutes, but preferably a couple of hours, stirring occasionally to make sure it’s not burning. It will reduce down substantially, and if you’re worried about it being a little thick then add half a can of water or stock, or a bit more wine or beer. Taste it, season it with salt and pepper if needed, and serve with pasta.

P.S. Don’t eat the bay leaves.

Variations

5+ a day: this sort of thing is perfect for sneaky veggies. Add fresh or frozen veggies while the sauce is simmering, or fry up mushrooms with the onion and garlic. The earlier you add them the squishier they’ll be. For vegetarians, omit the meat, or replace it with a meat substitute or lentils, and add in anything else you prefer while simmering the tomatoes.

Chilli: swap out some of the tomatoes for a can or two of drained red kidney beans (cheap) or chilli beans (not as cheap but already flavoured). Add some cumin, cayenne or ground chilli, and paprika. Serve with rice or on nachos.

A word about herbs and spices: if you’re on a budget, or starting your kitchen from scratch, then buying a bunch of herbs, spices, sauces, and other such flavourings can be an exercise in expenditure. However, good seasoning can make even the crappiest student slop palatable. A helpful way around this is to put aside a couple of bucks for something every time you go shopping, rather buying it all in one go or as you need it. Figure out what you like the best – if you bake a lot, then cinnamon, nutmeg, mixed spice, ginger, vanilla essence and cassia (cinnamon’s angrier cousin); if you like Italian, then basil, oregano, marjoram, thyme, and rosemary; if you like Mexican, then cumin, oregano, paprika, garlic powder and dried chillies, and so on. If you’re confused, check out the ingredients on a premade spice mix you already like and buy them separately - not that there’s anything wrong with the spice mixes themselves, they just are expensive, have a lot of filler and don’t really allow for creativity. Even better, grow your own.